I have been reading over this blog because I am going to share it with Garrett and Natalie. I am divorced. I am ok, not happy but ok. Don has married his Brazilian paramour. Fuck that fucking fucker.
When I am reading over the last entries, when he said, "Good luck in your new life", I can't tell you how hurtful that one statement was. Why can't something bad happen to him? Why can't he break his neck, be in a wheelchair, and I come up to him and whisper in his ear "Good luck in your new life"? Because that is exactly what he did to me.
My decisions these past 2 years are partly based on wanting to have a better life then Don. I am very competitive. I realized this has been driving so many of my decisions. Acknowledging that feeling is liberating, but dealing with it will be difficult.
There are times I think through all of the steps it would take to end this pain. It feels like I will never be happy and my life will be dull and flat and full of vacations by myself on tour buses with lesbians. No, I don't miss that fucker, I just want him to hurt.
Wednesday, November 6, 2019
Tuesday, April 17, 2018
Plans
I am addicted to making plans. My brain starts strategizing every time an event comes up. I realize that I am done. There's no value in plans, especially when they are only for me. I am done. After Natalie's graduation there is no more need for planning. She will be launched and my job will be complete and I can rest for good.
Monday, April 16, 2018
Happiness begins with T
I was so happy yesterday. An old friend and I were messaging all day. He never liked me back in the day, he had a girlfriend, but I had the biggest crush on him. Wait a minute! We all did! He was so funny and goofy and kind. I hope he is he same. He got divorced awhile back and when I checked on Facebook it said "Single". It took so much nerve to make a friend request. I did it. So glad too.
I doubt if we will ever get together but he made me feel good for a day - just like old times.
I doubt if we will ever get together but he made me feel good for a day - just like old times.
Tuesday, February 20, 2018
I try not to cry
It really is too incredible to be true, but it is.
My husband, Don, was acting weird. He seemed more distant than ever. He went to see his mom at the beginning of September and called every night. Then I went to Alaska to see Garrett for 10 days, to celebrate my birthday, and to figure out what to do about my marriage. Don just seems so angry all the time and uninterested in anything that I had to say or do. Don called us every night and it seemed like things were getting back on track.
Then he went to California to visit his sister Janet....
Don ignores me when he is with Janet. She is his fantasy girl. If he thought as much of me as he does Janet, we would have a rock solid marriage. So Don doesn't call for 3 days - not even to let me know he got there. Janet is posting picture of her and Don hiking on Facebook. Her friend posts "Gorgeous scenary and gorgeous brother". Janet says "yeah, he's a keeper". I thought that was an odd thing to say. No one mentioned ever that he was married.
So he comes home on Sunday and says that he will take care of my car. Monday he takes care of the car and then takes off. I come home to a note "Need some time to myself. Going to see a show. Be back late". We he never came home. He texted me that "I can't take it anymore. I am a bad husband. I will call you in 3 or 4 days. Have a good life.".
He wouldn't answer my texts. He texted me one more time to say "I wish you well in your new life." What does that mean? He texted Garrett when he told him that he was worried about him.
-------
T he end of this story is that he never told me where he was or if he was coming home. He came home 3 weeks later. He was in Brazil. He was with a woman he met on Twitter. He continued writing tweets to her when he came home "the orgasm of the flower" was one. He never came back home. He stayed in a hotel. I filed for divorce. I feel battered.
My husband, Don, was acting weird. He seemed more distant than ever. He went to see his mom at the beginning of September and called every night. Then I went to Alaska to see Garrett for 10 days, to celebrate my birthday, and to figure out what to do about my marriage. Don just seems so angry all the time and uninterested in anything that I had to say or do. Don called us every night and it seemed like things were getting back on track.
Then he went to California to visit his sister Janet....
Don ignores me when he is with Janet. She is his fantasy girl. If he thought as much of me as he does Janet, we would have a rock solid marriage. So Don doesn't call for 3 days - not even to let me know he got there. Janet is posting picture of her and Don hiking on Facebook. Her friend posts "Gorgeous scenary and gorgeous brother". Janet says "yeah, he's a keeper". I thought that was an odd thing to say. No one mentioned ever that he was married.
So he comes home on Sunday and says that he will take care of my car. Monday he takes care of the car and then takes off. I come home to a note "Need some time to myself. Going to see a show. Be back late". We he never came home. He texted me that "I can't take it anymore. I am a bad husband. I will call you in 3 or 4 days. Have a good life.".
He wouldn't answer my texts. He texted me one more time to say "I wish you well in your new life." What does that mean? He texted Garrett when he told him that he was worried about him.
-------
T he end of this story is that he never told me where he was or if he was coming home. He came home 3 weeks later. He was in Brazil. He was with a woman he met on Twitter. He continued writing tweets to her when he came home "the orgasm of the flower" was one. He never came back home. He stayed in a hotel. I filed for divorce. I feel battered.
Tuesday, November 21, 2017
I am alone
I am alone - always. I grew up an only child. I married a man who is distant. I live in a place where I do not fit in. I am alone.
The worst part is my husband. I love him but just when I let down my guard he becomes a monster. He yells at me and accuses me of intentions that are not mine. He married the wrong person. He should have married someone who was smart, witty and liked to read books and listen to music. I was never good enough and he realized this too late. His poor decision is not my fault. He needs to divorce me but he will not, probably because of the money. He doesn't take care of me - only in front of other people. Who is he?
Why did I think he was a"catch"?
I was a fat kid with a bossy personality. No one liked me, not even my friends. They made fun of me and made excuses not to play with me. My teachers were mean to me in elementary school. Then I lost weight and hung out with people who did appreciate me - Boots, Patty - but I had to do drugs and be promiscuous to stay in the group. I did that. I "dated" dozens of men who had drug and alcohol problems. They had blue collar jobs like my father. I thought I was doing great as I spun out of control and my mother cried.
But the change came when I went to college. I met guys who had plans. I liked that. But usually I had no interest in the guys that liked me. I was judgmental. They were too weird or too straight or too something that I could not put my finger on. Then I met Steve and he was hilarious. He was so smart and clever. He was gay. He was a good friend too. With Steve came his friends, Jack and Don and Sherry and John Warnock. It was like Paris in the '20s. I felt like I belonged. I liked being edgy. And I did belong until college ended and then I was a nurse. I worked with people who were analytical. They thought I was strange. And to be honest my drinking was a problem by this time - the time I was 25.
I started writing Don then. He was in the Army in Germany. Steve encouraged me to write because Don was so far away and probably missing home. There was no email. I worked nights in the NICU and it gave me something to do while the babies slept. His letters were funny. I hadn't expected that. And these were the seeds of attraction. I fell in love but I don't think it was mutual. He was a man in the Army. He had no ties and he may have needed some friends.
That's all for now
The worst part is my husband. I love him but just when I let down my guard he becomes a monster. He yells at me and accuses me of intentions that are not mine. He married the wrong person. He should have married someone who was smart, witty and liked to read books and listen to music. I was never good enough and he realized this too late. His poor decision is not my fault. He needs to divorce me but he will not, probably because of the money. He doesn't take care of me - only in front of other people. Who is he?
Why did I think he was a"catch"?
I was a fat kid with a bossy personality. No one liked me, not even my friends. They made fun of me and made excuses not to play with me. My teachers were mean to me in elementary school. Then I lost weight and hung out with people who did appreciate me - Boots, Patty - but I had to do drugs and be promiscuous to stay in the group. I did that. I "dated" dozens of men who had drug and alcohol problems. They had blue collar jobs like my father. I thought I was doing great as I spun out of control and my mother cried.
But the change came when I went to college. I met guys who had plans. I liked that. But usually I had no interest in the guys that liked me. I was judgmental. They were too weird or too straight or too something that I could not put my finger on. Then I met Steve and he was hilarious. He was so smart and clever. He was gay. He was a good friend too. With Steve came his friends, Jack and Don and Sherry and John Warnock. It was like Paris in the '20s. I felt like I belonged. I liked being edgy. And I did belong until college ended and then I was a nurse. I worked with people who were analytical. They thought I was strange. And to be honest my drinking was a problem by this time - the time I was 25.
I started writing Don then. He was in the Army in Germany. Steve encouraged me to write because Don was so far away and probably missing home. There was no email. I worked nights in the NICU and it gave me something to do while the babies slept. His letters were funny. I hadn't expected that. And these were the seeds of attraction. I fell in love but I don't think it was mutual. He was a man in the Army. He had no ties and he may have needed some friends.
That's all for now
Thursday, August 3, 2017
PTSD
I married a man who was too young. He thought that he wanted to get married, but when it came right down to it, he did not - at least not to me. That's okay.
What's not okay is how he destroyed the little pleasures I had in my life and now he wonders why I resent him. My son was born 4 days after Christmas. The winters were harsh in Virginia back then. Everyone was cold and energy resources were limited - even in 1993. The government resorted to rolling outages. Me and Garrett would snuggle on the couch and sleep through the outages. I was so tired and so was he. My body was sluggish and didn't feel like my own. I needed to heal. And what made it better was my beautiful baby boy. So sweet. So perfect. We just sat around and loved on each other.
Then he came home...
"What did you do all day sit around and sleep??? The house is filthy. Where's dinner??"
I know he was jealous.
3 months later he tried to replace me with a more suitable mother for Garrett.
He brought that horrible woman into my house with my baby and acted like a family. And then they patted themselves on the back that they were such good people.
I never loved him again. I stayed because I knew he was mean enough to take my baby away from me and so was that hideous woman.
But now he wants me to be happy that he can retire early while I go to work. I just couldn't and I didn't know why until I had that flashback of my day in the snow with my little baby boy those 23 years ago.
------ and he left for good 10/30/2017 by going to his Twitter girlfriend in Belo Horizonte, Brazil. While I was at work, he was Facetiming her and I believe he was sextexting her as well. I went to work and he just left and didn't tell me where he was going, if or when he was coming back. If I were a great big man, I would beat his head against a rock.
What's not okay is how he destroyed the little pleasures I had in my life and now he wonders why I resent him. My son was born 4 days after Christmas. The winters were harsh in Virginia back then. Everyone was cold and energy resources were limited - even in 1993. The government resorted to rolling outages. Me and Garrett would snuggle on the couch and sleep through the outages. I was so tired and so was he. My body was sluggish and didn't feel like my own. I needed to heal. And what made it better was my beautiful baby boy. So sweet. So perfect. We just sat around and loved on each other.
Then he came home...
"What did you do all day sit around and sleep??? The house is filthy. Where's dinner??"
I know he was jealous.
3 months later he tried to replace me with a more suitable mother for Garrett.
He brought that horrible woman into my house with my baby and acted like a family. And then they patted themselves on the back that they were such good people.
I never loved him again. I stayed because I knew he was mean enough to take my baby away from me and so was that hideous woman.
But now he wants me to be happy that he can retire early while I go to work. I just couldn't and I didn't know why until I had that flashback of my day in the snow with my little baby boy those 23 years ago.
------ and he left for good 10/30/2017 by going to his Twitter girlfriend in Belo Horizonte, Brazil. While I was at work, he was Facetiming her and I believe he was sextexting her as well. I went to work and he just left and didn't tell me where he was going, if or when he was coming back. If I were a great big man, I would beat his head against a rock.
Friday, March 11, 2016
A Visit from Heaven
Last night, I dreamt that I was in my cousin Kathy's hospice room. She was walking around and couldn't see hardly at all. I was sitting in a chair. I kept saying "I am over here!" and she was trying to feel her way around the room to find me. She kept laughing and laughing, that same great laugh, like it was a game! I told her I had wanted to visit her that last week and she assured me it was alright.
I know she is ok and that she loves me. I love her so much. I never thought she would die so young. She dodged the cancer bullet three times and the brain cancer was what ended her life. There are some people that you just think will be around forever. When I thought we would move to Florida when we retired, I thought we would be closer to Kathy. But that part of my plan is not to be fulfilled.
There is a big hole in my heart but I know she is in heaven. The dream happened last night (March 10, 2016) and she died January 10, 2016. I am on so much medication that I just pass out these days. This dream was so vivid and I remember it. I am certain it was Kathy. I thank God that he brought her into my life and I know he is taking care of her.
Love
M
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