I am alone

I am alone - always. I grew up an only child. I married a man who is distant. I live in a place where I do not fit in. I am alone.
The worst part is my husband. I love him but just when I let down my guard he becomes a monster. He yells at me and accuses me of intentions that are not mine. He married the wrong person. He should have married someone who was smart, witty and liked to read books and listen to music. I was never good enough and he realized this too late. His poor decision is not my fault. He needs to divorce me but he will not, probably because of the money. He doesn't take care of me - only in front of other people. Who is he?
Why did I think he was a"catch"?
I was a fat kid with a bossy personality. No one liked me, not even my friends. They made fun of me and made excuses not to play with me. My teachers were mean to me in elementary school. Then I lost weight and hung out with people who did appreciate me - Boots, Patty - but I had to do drugs and be promiscuous to stay in the group. I did that. I "dated" dozens of men who had drug and alcohol problems. They had blue collar jobs like my father. I thought I was doing great as I spun out of control and my mother cried.
But the change came when I went to college. I met guys who had plans. I liked that. But usually I had no interest in the guys that liked me. I was judgmental. They were too weird or too straight or too something that I could not put my finger on.  Then I met Steve and he was hilarious. He was so smart and clever. He was gay. He was a good friend too. With Steve came his friends, Jack and Don and Sherry and John Warnock. It was like Paris in the '20s. I felt like I belonged. I liked being edgy. And I did belong until college ended and then I was a nurse. I worked with people who were analytical. They thought I was strange. And to be honest my drinking was a problem by this time - the time I was 25.
I started writing Don then. He was in the Army in Germany. Steve encouraged me to write because Don was so far away and probably missing home. There was no email. I worked nights in the NICU and it gave me something to do while the babies slept. His letters were funny. I hadn't expected that. And these were the seeds of attraction. I fell in love but I don't think it was mutual. He was a man in the Army. He had no ties and he may have needed some friends.
That's all for now

PTSD

I married a man who was too young.  He thought that he wanted to get married, but when it came right down to it, he did not - at least not to me. That's okay.

What's not okay is how he destroyed the little pleasures I had in my life and now he wonders why I resent him. My son was born 4 days after Christmas. The winters were harsh in Virginia back then. Everyone was cold and energy resources were limited - even in 1993. The government resorted to rolling outages. Me and Garrett would snuggle on the couch and sleep through the outages. I was so tired and so was he. My body was sluggish and didn't feel like my own. I needed to heal. And what made it better was my beautiful baby boy. So sweet. So perfect.  We just sat around and loved on each other.

Then he came home...

"What did you do all day sit around and sleep??? The house is filthy. Where's dinner??"

I know he was jealous.

3 months later he tried to replace me with a more suitable mother for Garrett.

He brought that horrible woman into my house with my baby and acted like a family. And then they patted themselves on the back that they were such good people.

I never loved him again. I stayed because I knew he was mean enough to take my baby away from me and so was that hideous woman.

But now he wants me to be happy that he can retire early while I go to work. I just couldn't and I didn't know why until I had that flashback of my day in the snow with my little baby boy those 23 years ago. 

------ and he left for good 10/30/2017 by going to his Twitter girlfriend in Belo Horizonte, Brazil. While I was at work, he was Facetiming her and I believe he was sextexting her as well. I went to work and he just left and didn't tell me where he was going, if or when he was coming back. If I were a great big man, I would beat his head against a rock.