I am alone - always. I grew up an only child. I married a man who is distant. I live in a place where I do not fit in. I am alone.
The worst part is my husband. I love him but just when I let down my guard he becomes a monster. He yells at me and accuses me of intentions that are not mine. He married the wrong person. He should have married someone who was smart, witty and liked to read books and listen to music. I was never good enough and he realized this too late. His poor decision is not my fault. He needs to divorce me but he will not, probably because of the money. He doesn't take care of me - only in front of other people. Who is he?
Why did I think he was a"catch"?
I was a fat kid with a bossy personality. No one liked me, not even my friends. They made fun of me and made excuses not to play with me. My teachers were mean to me in elementary school. Then I lost weight and hung out with people who did appreciate me - Boots, Patty - but I had to do drugs and be promiscuous to stay in the group. I did that. I "dated" dozens of men who had drug and alcohol problems. They had blue collar jobs like my father. I thought I was doing great as I spun out of control and my mother cried.
But the change came when I went to college. I met guys who had plans. I liked that. But usually I had no interest in the guys that liked me. I was judgmental. They were too weird or too straight or too something that I could not put my finger on. Then I met Steve and he was hilarious. He was so smart and clever. He was gay. He was a good friend too. With Steve came his friends, Jack and Don and Sherry and John Warnock. It was like Paris in the '20s. I felt like I belonged. I liked being edgy. And I did belong until college ended and then I was a nurse. I worked with people who were analytical. They thought I was strange. And to be honest my drinking was a problem by this time - the time I was 25.
I started writing Don then. He was in the Army in Germany. Steve encouraged me to write because Don was so far away and probably missing home. There was no email. I worked nights in the NICU and it gave me something to do while the babies slept. His letters were funny. I hadn't expected that. And these were the seeds of attraction. I fell in love but I don't think it was mutual. He was a man in the Army. He had no ties and he may have needed some friends.
That's all for now
